Less than a second- no control.

       Taking my medicine a couple times a day is a daily reminder that I am an epileptic. In fact in some ways it kind of grounds me by reminding me that any second, minute, or day things could be dramatically different. Today I had yet another reminder of how quickly we can go from walking, talking, and laughing it up, to lying in a hospital bed- or worse. I had some seizure activity as a car was crossing my path. This is a completely different level of reacquainting myself with the delicacy of life.
       I had just come to a stop on the corner. The car was crossing. I was waiting. A click in the middle of my head.Then my head, shoulders, and foot (all at once) ever so slightly moved forward. No control. All in under a second. I am pretty certain no one, including the driver noticed.
       Luckily that's all it was. No big jerks. No petite-mal. No grand-mal. It does however, make it impossible to ignore how incredibly fragile life is. It's not just life that is so frail, it's life as we know it.
       Of course the moments after this happened, I was a bit in auto pilot. I looked extra carefully at the street, and crossed. And now I begin to think as I continue home. I'm thinking, "It's only five minutes," and, "yeah but I still have a lot of roads to cross." Basically, a moment like that is like a giant bitch-slap of stress. Instant anxiety.
       So, all the way home I had to try to ease the tension out. Ha! Slow measured strides. Slow measured breathing. Thinking to myself, "I can make it back, I can make it back," over and over again. All I could do was ease the physical tension, until I got home. Then I could lay down and relax my mind.
      I made it home. There were no big catastrophes. I thought that was a big bonus! Unfortunately the flinches have not stopped. It's been five hours now. They have not gotten worse- that's good! But they have not subsided either- not so good. They are only happening two or three times an hour. So....
      It's weird, I've said before- I have problems with people being around when I have seizure activity of any sort. I will say though, being alone with it, truly sucks. There really is no better word for how it feels in my core. It just sucks.
      When I'm alone and this stuff happens- the questions come into my head and it's harder to get them out. 'Should I cook?', 'Would it be better to wait to go to the bathroom?', 'Can I use a knife to cut my food?', 'Which position will cause less bruising? Does it matter?', 'How long until someone finds me writhing in pain on the floor?', and of course last but definitely not least, 'How long until someone finds my body?' That last one I generally shove out of my head pretty quickly just for self-preservation. Those questions are why I hate having any form of epileptic activity by myself.
       Now I wait. Hoping they will fade. Hoping that I will get tired enough that I will be able to sleep early (I've kind of missed that boat already). I am happy that for once I live on the first floor!

kimbersfrog