What I did not intend to write about Formigal....

          Wow! I finally got a chance to go up to the Pyrenees. Well, I was able to all along, but this was the best time for it really. Sorry, did I mention that is where my boyfriend has been working all summer? Yeah. Once I sort of knew the buses I was taking, and what day I was leaving, BAM, I was off!
          It takes 3 buses to get there. The timetables are few and far between. Worse yet, there are not many scheduled per day. Especially if you are going all the way from Barcelona to Formigal (or back). I was. And there was NO way I was going to miss out on spending time with my man!
          On the first bus, I had the luxury of sleeping a little. Un poco. When I decided I should start paying attention (about two hours too early, but well worth it visually), I started getting excited about meeting all these people I had been hearing about for so long. The people in my boyfriend's life that I haven't met yet that he really cares about.
          Unfortunately this quickly turned into stress. Ahhhh, he cares about these people. They are his Formigal family (for lack of a better term). What if I can't think of anything to say in Spanish? What if I don't understand what is being said? Crap. I want to be able to speak well with them. Basically, I psyched myself out. 
          I think most people can understand that second, third, or fourth family away from family feeling. You know that group of people that you are around all the time. You bicker like families do. Annoy each other like families do. Sometimes you like and love them as people, sometimes you don't like them as a person but you love them anyway. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.
          Family and groups that are 'like family', they are wonderful. However, when they are not your own, but the loved ones of your love, it can be a little nerve racking. I will say, since I've been here I have been meeting family and friends since day one. I am not complaining here. I would like to make that clear. In some ways I am lucky, there is not a person I have met so far that I didn't like. How's that for good fortune! But maybe that advantageous fluke could be the reason for my misfortunes in learning Spanish.... no? Damn, okay, that's not it. I know.
          The real pressure point for me, is when I start to get nervous. That is when I choke the worst. Sometimes, I feel as if I appear as if I am an idiot. I just can't get anything out. I can't understand as much either. I would probably do better speaking underwater than when I'm nervous. Guess when I get the most anxious? Yessssss. When I am around the people that matter the most to my boyfriend. Of course I do.
          It's not his fault. It's not their fault. It's in my head. It's the pressure I'm putting on myself to get it perfect. Why would I ever in a million years think that after this short amount of time that could happen. Perfection. Right. Everyone has been really nice too. Everyone has been welcoming. I just keep fucking it up all over the place.
          The tricky part, is how much Spanish I actually have in my head. Shockingly, I know A LOT of Spanish. It's not perfect to say the least. I can have basic conversation. When I try to say things that are more complicated, I get all sorts of messed up. Unfortunately, none of my books go that far into depth. So I have no idea what I am doing wrong. If I had the why's and the what's I could understand what I was doing right and wrong, I could fix the problem.
          Guess what? I can't help myself from trying to say complicated things. I am wordy. Just in case you hadn't noticed already. Heh, heh. When I'm nervous it's hard enough for me to try and think in a different language (words, changing the sentence structure, etc.), but then to also change my brain's way of thinking as well.... that's even harder. I haven't (OBVIOUSLY) gotten to the point of not needing to translate in my head yet... so everything is in ultra slow-mo for me. It's like I'm just watching the joke, getting it later, then I want to make a comment on it, but 10 more jokes have already come and gone in between. To late.
          I have gone off track a bit, but this happens. All this is basically how the various meetings with my man's friends went in the Pyrenees. There was one person I was much less stressed with, but I couldn't hear her well because she spoke in a tone that blended into the background. And of course there was a woman there who would really only speak English with me, and she was really funny. Even weirder for me... by the end of the week, I was understanding more, I was even saying bit more (I did NOT say a lot, just a little more), but I don't think it registered.
          I just have to figure out how to get my nerves under control and maybe, just maybe, some of that Spanish (that all day long I am forming sentences in my head- just in case!) floating around in my brain... might just start to click. It might even come out of my mouth one day. My brain might not even need a babel fish one day. wouldn't that be nice?!
       
Formigal in all it's natural beauty in the future.

(This photo is taken by an incredibly talented photographer. He takes photos as he travels the world. His photos are taken when he sees something that truly moves him, or touches his heart in some way. I think he would call them, Magic Moments. His name is: Joan Massó. He is from Barcelona, Spain.)

For now, I do think that (even though I am pretty sure no one from Formigal reads this it still should be said) everyone I met was truly good to me. Which showed not only what good people you were, but the respect you have for my boyfriend and yourselves. I thank you all, and I am lucky to have met you all. Hopefully the next time around, I will be speaking a little more (or a lot more... let's cross our fingers shall we?)

kimbersfrog 

Nervous enough...

              I'm not going to talk about anxiety of the highest levels here, that is a level I have only briefly encountered. In fact, I must take a moment to express my admiration for anyone who has to deal with true anxiety on a regular basis, I would never be able to function. So I am incredibly impressed and truly respect those who can.

             There are times, however when you just can't quite get the tension to go away. Stress is a powerful thing. It can push you. It can pull. It can rip and squeeze. It can make you mad and make you cry. And of course it can make you totally irrational. I love stress, don't you? Heh.

             It's true that there have been many things in my life as of late that have been causing stress. I have been able to only let it effect my life in short lived periods of time. Relatively speaking. For the most part, I've been able to calm myself to a lower level of tension. What I have been most successful at is not letting the stress of my medication change get to me.
             Until now. Tomorrow I run out of my current medication. I have to return to a previous medication. They are the same but not equal. The point is, I am really nervous. I know that I have had break through seizures on this medication before. Not many, but some. And tomorrow I will go back to it.
            It wasn't until about 8 or so tonight that I finally let it get to me. What do I do with that? I was lucky enough to talk to a good friend of mine who gave me some good thoughts and advice, he was there at just the right time. I like skype when it's working!
            Unfortunately, the reality is, I am alone in this. No one is here. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm pretty sure no one really wants to hear about it anyway. People don't really like to talk about stuff that scares them. Especially with the people they care about.
 I guess that sucks for me.
           I am not writing this for a pity party. That is the last thing I need. I do want other epileptics out there to know (if there are any that read this), that some of us do feel this way some of the time. And sometimes you have to get used to the fact that people will just not be there for you. It is not because they don't love you. In fact a lot of the time it is just the opposite, people aren't always capable of being there AT the time you need them. So you need to find another way to cope.
          Me? For me, I find this blog to be extremely helpful. It calms me. Then I don't have to keep my mind on NOT keeping my mind on the things that are upsetting me. We all need something to help us deal with our tension and pain in addition to coping skills. Please find yours, it will help. And every so often, you will have a friend like mine, who stand up to the plate, and is there for you. Whether you are able to take the help or not.

   Thank you friend.

kimbersfrog

THEY'RE BAA-AACK!

                 Most people have had or still have recurring nightmares in their life. Some have them every night. Others have them only during stressful times. In fact, I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons for recurring nightmares, but I don't know all that much about them other than a few educated guesses. So, I'll stick to mine.
                 I think I was about 17 when I started with recurring nightmares. They were always about bugs. They were always stress related. The only nice bit was there was a little variety in the type of bug. That is, if you want to put a silver lining on it. The more stressed I was, the number of bugs increased. I would also have less ability to move and it would seem like the dream lasted longer before I woke up. I always woke up, feeling like I was covered with bugs and couldn't get them off. It was disturbing. Still is.
                As if these lovely bug dreams were not enough to rid myself of some of my tension (or possibly add to it), I then began to have another recurring dream. These started shortly after I was diagnosed with epilepsy and realized it was actually going to affect me for the rest of my life. I won't go into details about that one, it's really too disturbing. I could write it in a very funny light, but most people don't find these things amusing. Let's move on shall we.
               I don't want to imply that I was having these dreams every night. Thank the dream gods... I wasn't! It seemed like every so often I would get them for a few nights in a row, then they would just go away. It took me about 2 years to put together that they were stress related. Duh. No, sorry, I meant BIG DUH! Well, the hope is to get smarter as we age right?

             Luckily, at some point, oh I don't know, maybe 6 or 7 years ago, the second more disturbing dreams ceased. Bonus! The bug dreams randomly continued. They came less and less often though. That was nice. Lately on the rare occasion that I have one or two of these buggers, I think to myself, wow maybe they will eventually stop completely. Or maybe they actually in some weird way coincide with my epilepsy. I not only have less grand-mals now, but almost none of the smaller epilepsy symptoms rear their ugly heads either. Who knows really, it's still about stress, there are no two ways about that.

           Now, I am in a desperately stressful situation. It's coming from all sides. Don't get me wrong, I knowingly put myself in this position. I knew it would bring on an overload of stress, anxiety, tension- body mind and soul. Even so, I am happy I'm here. Truthfully, there is no place I would rather be than to be able to be with my love. That's another subject completely, one that I am consider private, sorry. Where was I? Right.

         So here I am completely stressed out... and whilst it took a good 3 months (shocking!), I started having more stress dreams. Yes, the bug dreams. Unfortunately, I have also started having other dreams that leave me angry at people I love. It's completely irrational. They haven't done anything wrong. They aren't even here. They are however doing horrible things to me in my dreams. Now really I ask you, is that fair? Is that fair to them? I think not. Who are these nasty dream gods, and what sick sense of humour do they have anyway?  I have said my piece.

   I will however probably post with something better later. Oh and just a small aside, I just noticed some ants in the house today. For real. They apparently like potting soil. I'm really not happy about that! I'm sure you can imagine.

kimbersfrog