Nervous enough...

              I'm not going to talk about anxiety of the highest levels here, that is a level I have only briefly encountered. In fact, I must take a moment to express my admiration for anyone who has to deal with true anxiety on a regular basis, I would never be able to function. So I am incredibly impressed and truly respect those who can.

             There are times, however when you just can't quite get the tension to go away. Stress is a powerful thing. It can push you. It can pull. It can rip and squeeze. It can make you mad and make you cry. And of course it can make you totally irrational. I love stress, don't you? Heh.

             It's true that there have been many things in my life as of late that have been causing stress. I have been able to only let it effect my life in short lived periods of time. Relatively speaking. For the most part, I've been able to calm myself to a lower level of tension. What I have been most successful at is not letting the stress of my medication change get to me.
             Until now. Tomorrow I run out of my current medication. I have to return to a previous medication. They are the same but not equal. The point is, I am really nervous. I know that I have had break through seizures on this medication before. Not many, but some. And tomorrow I will go back to it.
            It wasn't until about 8 or so tonight that I finally let it get to me. What do I do with that? I was lucky enough to talk to a good friend of mine who gave me some good thoughts and advice, he was there at just the right time. I like skype when it's working!
            Unfortunately, the reality is, I am alone in this. No one is here. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm pretty sure no one really wants to hear about it anyway. People don't really like to talk about stuff that scares them. Especially with the people they care about.
 I guess that sucks for me.
           I am not writing this for a pity party. That is the last thing I need. I do want other epileptics out there to know (if there are any that read this), that some of us do feel this way some of the time. And sometimes you have to get used to the fact that people will just not be there for you. It is not because they don't love you. In fact a lot of the time it is just the opposite, people aren't always capable of being there AT the time you need them. So you need to find another way to cope.
          Me? For me, I find this blog to be extremely helpful. It calms me. Then I don't have to keep my mind on NOT keeping my mind on the things that are upsetting me. We all need something to help us deal with our tension and pain in addition to coping skills. Please find yours, it will help. And every so often, you will have a friend like mine, who stand up to the plate, and is there for you. Whether you are able to take the help or not.

   Thank you friend.

kimbersfrog

Thanks for your Support....

                This is probably going to be an anomaly for me. I am going to write a bit about the conversation I just had with my boyfriend. NO, not the details or the mushy bits, I just think the heart of the conversation needs to be observed. 
                Today, other than being a wee bit pessimistic in the morning, I had a pretty good day. Rainy mornings can bring out pessimism in anyone who is going to hang their laundry out to dry. Lucky for me, the day brightened up, my laundry dried, and I got to have Spanish conversations all over the place. That might be a mild exaggeration, but I did converse with more than just my boyfriend's family, which is a good step. I took some video of the kids (nieces and nephews) and went home.
               Once inside, I started to work on some verb conjugations, which oddly is comforting to me. I know, it's weird, but I have learned to just enjoy the calm. This evening the calm, the comfort, they were escaping me. All I could think about was the woman I talked to in the store. She like me was a customer, but unlike other customer run-ins I've had, we actually conversed. Oh, yeah.... and I understood her! What's more, she understood me. Right, I know. You think I'm making it all up. Think it if you want, but at least I will always have that chat.
               I am glad to always be able to have that conversation. Surprisingly it had a delayed side-effect. Who knew? This little chat that had made me so happy in the store, was not just deflating me later, but I was in danger of being drowned by it. I kept thinking, 'She understood me, that was clear.' But the most important part to me, created the question that was haunting me. 'Did she understand what I meant with the right connotation?' And that, my friends, is what started to mess with my mind.
              If I didn't care about nuance, details, or love language then I probably would have absolutely no issue right now. Unfortunately, I find language absolutely fascinating. I happen to think that if you can find the word or combination of words that give your thoughts or description or action the exact meaning, you can create magic. There are so many wonderful words. If you choose one word over another that means virtually the same thing, the word you choose can make or break your description depending on it's connotation. These nuances exist whether we have language or not to express them. And I am admittedly spoiled in having a large vocabulary in my native language with which to express myself. Now I find myself at a loss.
              The most ridiculous part is my Spanish is rapidly improving. This particular conversation, that took me by surprise (never does that bode well for my conversational skills) should have been a mood lifter. Period. All I could think about once I got home was, I don't know all the connotations in Castellano. I need to know them to properly express myself. No one will really know me until I can really truly say what I mean, connotations and all.
             Later when my boyfriend called, I told him about it. I almost didn't because I wanted to make sure he knew, I was not regretting anything. It's just something I know I am going to go through here and there, but I might need some support at times. He is the perfect person to talk to about this. Although he didn't move to a country that didn't speak his native tongue for the same reasons, he still did it. When he first moved from Spain, it was to Britain. He had no English, other than 'Hi' ,'hello', maybe one or two other words. So in short he had nothing to go on. Tonight I needed his support as my boyfriend, but I also needed his support as my friend.
             Do you know what? He came through. He didn't hand me bull and tell me, 'Oh, you will know it by tomorrow.' He did however, kindly point out that I had only been here for two months. And reminded me of some of his trials in communication whilst learning English. He let me talk about it as long as I needed to, and then we went on to other things.

           My point being, sometimes when someone has really done well by you. It needs to be pointed out. Thanks babe.
kimbersfrog