There are times, that I am inappropriate.....

         Yes at times I can be, well a little inappropriate. And that, my friends might be an understatement. Don't get me wrong, I can be very polite even charming at times (although usually through humour or awkwardness). And there are plenty of occasions in which I am correctly connected to the situation I am in (I know it's shocking!). Those of you who know me can probably agree. Or not.
          I am only going to write about one of these improper behaviours. It follows me to this day. When I am with my family, it seems to work out just fine, because they are equally inept at controlling themselves in these situations. However, placing a friend in a situation like this with me, is not a good thing. Even, if I warn them ahead of time. The end result is generally a promise to never return with me again. Fair enough.
           I will start at the beginning. When my sister and I were young we periodically visited my father's mother on our own. Only a few times. On those occasions, she brought us to church. I was 5, my sister was about 3 and 1/2. And we didn't know anything about church at the time.
          We were asked to pretend we were singing and to be very quite. We tried. We were actually fairly successful. However a lot of nudging went on about those fruit basket hats the women were wearing. I mean really, how a hat that nests a bunch of plastic fruit (that by the way appears to be old dried or dead fruit) in it equals their love of god and all things sacred, I will never know. But back then, all I thought was they looked funny. My sister too.
          We were however, very quietly giggling and nudging each other. We really didn't want to make my grandmother angry. That was never a good thing. We managed quite well, until the singing started. Then everybody got up and then down on their knees. And again. And again. All throughout the song. Many of you know what I am talking about. As a kid, who had no idea what it was about, nor anyone who would explain it... well, we thought it was hysterical. All those weird hats, voices singing that were bad, good and all over the place, creaking chairs and weird ups and downs.... it was too much for us. Needless to say, we were reprimanded.
          Flash forward. I am an adult now. I had no idea I have a problem. I don't think it even crossed my mind that I would giggle. Really, being a child giggling uncontrollably in church due to lack of understanding is completely acceptable. Why would I ever think it would happen as an adult?
           I will skip all the little ones that are not as entertaining. The brief episodes of stifled giggles, as an adult that should have clued me in to the fact that I might have a problem. You might think it is because I am not religious. Maybe that I am purposely being disrespectful. This is actually not the case. I am not traditionally religious, but I do have very strong beliefs. I also am very envious of those who have a religion that they can fully believe in. I wish I could find one. I have not yet. I am however truly happy for those who have.
           Back to the story. The next big blooper was in Edinburgh, Scotland. I enjoy live choir music on the holidays. I rarely go and see it, as you might imagine. A friend of mine suggested a few of us go on Christmas Eve to listen to some. There was a really old church that had Christmas choirs several times a day the entire week before Christmas. Apparently it sounded amazing in this church. So we went. I warned my friends of my... condition. They ignored me. Fools. (I love you all)
           I was able to not laugh at the fruit hats. I thought that bode well! Although I did wonder if the people I saw when I was a kid were still wearing theirs. It was truly beautiful. Then the organ. Amazing sound. The choir was up in the front (we couldn't see them because we were all the way in the back). They started some low level music with just their voices. Harmony if you will. Beautiful. Then, a man (I have no idea what station in the church he was or wasn't) all in white stepped to the back of the aisle, even with us. He was giant. Truly GIANT. And skinny. All this was accentuated by his long bright white robe, and long skinny face. Then without looking at anyone but the choir ahead....a loud, deep voice let out a very long note. It carried from the back of the church to the front and back again. And it was almost hollow, yet somehow robust. And I don't know, but for some reason it struck me funny! Of course.
          Was it the bright white mixed with the dark interior of the church? The tininess of the man mixed with his grandiose stance and huge voice? Maybe it was the deepness of the voice that shocked you yet soothed you at the same time. I don't know. But it was enough to make me giggle. I was trying to be good though. So, I silently bowed my head to hide my cheeky smile and tried to contain my laughing fit to simple shoulder shaking. Even that, I was able to somewhat control. There was no constant shoulder shaking. Then I managed to quell the amusement, and regain control of myself. I was quite impressed with myself. For a while.
          Then came the group singing. I don't truly know what was wrong with me, but I didn't expect this. Apparently I had a stupid attack. So we're singing along quietly. The ladies with the hats too. I'm doing fine. Shocking right. Until my friend starts switching keys. Whenever he couldn't hit a note, he'd switch to a lower register so he wouldn't go off key, and visa versa. This... struck me as funny. It might strike you as funny too if you knew him. So then the shoulder shaking and tittering began. Sporadically controlled. Then the tall man's voice came again. Harder to control.
           This is about the time I noticed I had infected one of my friends with my amusement. Poor girl. She had noticed. She is a sweet girl and quick to smile and laugh. Unfortunately for her, she noticed my barely contained chuckling. And now another friend shot us both a look. Of course this made it funnier. Very mature.
           Low and behold, now another of us was laughing. So the singer and the shooter of the looks were not amused, but the rest of us were losing our ability to be in control of ourselves. Now in all fairness, everyone else was able to get themselves in control better than me. I know, you're surprised right?! Oh, no, you're not? Well, no worries. Heh, heh.
           Unfortunately for them, I kept starting right back up again. I wasn't trying, in fact quite the opposite. That just made it worse. Needless to say, by the end my stomach hurt from trying to contain myself, I had tear marks, and sparkling giant eyes of amusement mixed with fear! When we got outside, all my friends swore they would never go to church with me ever again. I wouldn't either if I were them.
           Now, I only go for weddings and funerals. The last two weddings I was at were with my immediate family. The difference is vast. My sister and parents and I all have this problem. Usually, it has more to do with things we ourselves are doing than what is going on around us. Still, it is completely inappropriate. And though I may be embarrassing myself, at least I am doing it with people who are embarrassing themselves of their own accord.


So I apologize for making my friends laugh in church. (But it was weirdly funny) And to all the church goers I truly mean no disrespect. I am not perfect and that's all there is to it.

kimbersfrog